Are you as good at networking as you think you are?

Networking skills are notoriously difficult to gauge. Ever left a networking event feeling like you crushed it, only to realize later you can't remember half the people you met? You're not alone. Many of us overestimate our networking prowess, falling into what psychologists call the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Named after David Dunning and Justin Kruger, this cognitive bias describes our tendency to overestimate our abilities in areas where we have limited knowledge or experience. In networking, it can create a gap between how good we think we are at building relationships and our actual skills.

Recognizing this gap is the first step to becoming a genuinely skilled connector. Let's explore what this looks like in the world of professional relationships.

The confidence rollercoaster

Picture your networking confidence plotted against your actual skill level. For many, this graph looks like a rollercoaster:

1. Peak of "Mount Stupid"
   Early on, we might think we're great at networking just because we're collecting business cards. We're confident, but our skills don't quite match up.
2. Valley of Despair
   As we gain experience, we realize how much we don't know. A brutal awakening—our confidence takes a nosedive. This is where many give up, deciding they're "just not good at building relationships” so they neglect the soft skills altogether.
3. Slope of Enlightenment
   If we stick with it, we start to develop genuine skills. Our confidence begins to line up with our abilities and we find it easier to connect with others.
4. Plateau of Sustainability
   At this point, we have a realistic view of our strengths and areas for improvement. We're confident but not overconfident. This is where quality relationships are built and can actually be sustained.

The Overconfidence Trap

Overconfidence in networking often shows up in ways that actually make it harder to form meaningful connections. Here are some common pitfalls:

Mistaking quantity for quality

It's easy to think that having thousands of LinkedIn connections means you're a great networker. But a long list of contacts doesn't necessarily translate to a strong professional network. In fact, research by British anthropologist , Robin Dunbar suggests that humans can only maintain about 150 stable relationships at a time. Quality beats quantity every time.

Dominating conversations

We've all met that person who turns every chat into a monologue about their achievements. While you might think you're making a strong impression, you're missing out on the most valuable part of networking—learning about others. It’s helpful to keep in mind that everyone you meet knows something you don't.

Engaging in surface-level interactions without meaningful follow-up

Handing out your business card to everyone you meet might feel productive, but without thoughtful follow-up, these connections quickly fizzle out. Real networking isn't a one-time event — it's an ongoing process of building relationships.

Bridging the gap

Recognizing the gap between our perceived and actual networking skills can be uncomfortable. It's natural to feel a mix of disappointment and uncertainty when we realize we're not as adept at building connections as we thought. But this realization, while challenging, is actually a crucial step toward growth. It's not about berating ourselves for past missteps, but about acknowledging where we are and committing to improvement. This awareness opens the door to developing genuine, effective networking skills.

So how do we move from overconfidence to authentic skill? Here are some strategies to consider:

• Listen more, talk less
  Focus on understanding others rather than impressing them. Ask thoughtful questions and pay close attention to the responses.
• Depth over breadth
  Instead of trying to meet everyone in the room, aim for a few meaningful conversations. Follow up with these connections after the event.
• Embrace not knowing
  Don't hesitate to admit what you don't know. Showing a willingness to learn can make you more relatable and create opportunities for deeper connections.
• Seek honest feedback
  Consult trusted colleagues or mentors about your networking skills. Their insights can help you identify blind spots and areas for improvement.
• Commit to curiosity
  Stay curious about networking techniques and relationship-building strategies. The more you learn, the more you'll recognize opportunities for growth.
• Prioritize giving over taking
  Shift your mindset from "what's in it for me" to "how can I add value?" This approach naturally leads to more authentic connections. (A couple great book recommendations related to this — The Lost Art of Connecting and Give and Take… let me know if you read them!)

Becoming a skilled networker isn't about reaching some final destination. It's about embracing a journey of ongoing improvement. So if you can, don’t be afraid to admit you may not be The Super Connector, it’s the fastest way to be come one. ;)